Battery falling down a hole
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Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me and the Superbowl rn
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit