Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The 6 types of sex
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.