Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
🙅🏻