My boss called in sick of me
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Girl, same.