Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Meow
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫