My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.