“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.