As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.