2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You Might Also Like
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My first child will be named New Folder.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Welcome
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*