I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
how high up are we talkin’?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again