Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.