What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?