I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty