*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐