You Might Also Like
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something