My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My first child will be named New Folder.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut