The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.