Yep.
You Might Also Like
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Hit me in the face with a bird
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.