According to math, I’m broke
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.