My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Dead sexy!!
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
💻🤡
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.