Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.