anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place