Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”