*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Finally, an explanation.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol