“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I unironically love this joke.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty