my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Krampus.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.