physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*seductively corrects your posture*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?