Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.