My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Siri: Retweet me.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes