[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”