“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”