For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs