I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
2 years later
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.