‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
#Caturday
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby