why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Mistakes were made
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice