Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Cobra鈥檚 try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can鈥檛 tell if I鈥檓 repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor鈥檚 sister鈥檚 ex-boyfriend鈥檚 password.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Monday
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don鈥檛
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi