Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You Might Also Like
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
The three genders.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Cake safety first. Always.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.