Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day