How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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The dark side of Canada
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
new year update: losing everything but weight
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.