🚲+physics = winner
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My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
me when the borders lift
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*