An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
me adding lol on a serious message
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory