Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
You Might Also Like
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.