VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Art by Pastelkatto
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope