Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.