If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.