AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.