ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?