The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.