I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Nothing.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Breaking news:
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Perfect
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.