Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks